don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
