I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
