I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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