You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
