wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You dont lie about slip and slides
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
