I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
