Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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