I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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