I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
