you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
