You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
