In the future we'll all be gay
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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