this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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