Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
