Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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