70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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