Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
