I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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