it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
