people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
