i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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