Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
