I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
