Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
