she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
