my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
