I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
