textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
