just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
