Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
