Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
