ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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