Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
