All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
