I met the friendliest cop last night
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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