Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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