The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You are the jesus of drinking
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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