I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
