I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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