I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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