You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
