farters have to be the big spoon...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
