Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
