My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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