By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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