Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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