Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
