I think my fart just growled at me.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
