you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
