how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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