I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize