We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
