i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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