My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
