I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
