She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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